Back in the whenever...

As memory degrades it becomes porous, even fluid...  Not that observation isn't subjective in the first place..

I only remember my point of view which becomes set in stone with the passing of time..

Ironic no?

Especially when one considers the "porous even fluid" statement made earlier... sometimes memory isnt porous and fluid, sometimes its more like a porus fluid....

The foam of memory.... Sea foam, the head on beer foam, latte foam, foam flecked jaws of a rabid dog, meth addict corners of the mouth foamin....which are no doubt flavorful or interesting but unclear...

I remember waking up after life with my friend.... and not wanting to...  the first words popping into my head or out of my mouth.. were not oh great day in the morning, hark ye to the blue birds...

I vilified creation and creator for forcing me to breathe...  I wanted to get gone, let go and slide off the pier..

Time passed.... it got to a point I wasn't openly hostile about waking up..... I just didn't care... I hid, didnt go outside other than for the gottas... classes, food.... and that was it.. the classes were gottas cause it was something she loved.. she struggled so long to get her doctorate.. she was proud I of what I was doing. and once she was gone continuing classes was sort of like having a life.... but not.. besides I hate unfinished bidness....

I was dead inside.... and mad cause the rest of me wasn't.. Hahahaha..

Time passes a year becomes two..two becomes three-ish....and I don't feel any need to be loved, wanted, laid or anything else... its not my nature..  Im like a monk only not gay..

I just didn't care.... I still woke up feeling her next to me... still catching her scent, still feeling her warmth.. and still...rageing inside when I realised yet again.. it was memory..

At some point I knew I had to re-establish life.... get back to doing what I do.. make this money finish things I started... ya know?.. "someone" wasn't a consideration... it takes a little extra off the screen to pique my interest..

And I did meet someone.... nice looking.. common interests.. similar views.. looked good... things were happening....then I found out she was a complete fake... so that was that.....right quick..

It wasn't tragic... or even especially interesting....

I'd had a few women running up on me..  I just wasn't interested in return... this was the first time, I'd come even close to wanting anyone...  I don't need someone to love me..... want me or anything like it....

The thing I needed was to "want" and feel something... to care about someone.. I got that I could... so I started being accessable, social.. dancing, going to partys ..ya know?

Ptoblem now is rules.... no tweakers, no drunks, no ho's, no shady nuttin... and that sho nuff wasnt happenin.. I like happy, smart, funny, able to articulate... real women, not 20 somethings that just have tight skin...

Amazing how hard it is to find someone whos not drugged up, not shady, not a ho etc.... a 26 year old is an alien creature.. cute.. but I'm not daddy.. and I'm not raising me up a girlfriend.. I wanted to meet a no assembly required grown woman...

I never figured I would live past 30 so I had my mid life crisis at 15 and dated 20 somethings then..

And come ye now to today.... My GF is great.. her world is right on track good things are happening for her...and what can ya say?  She works hard at it..which I also like...